A fictional alligator holding an everything bagel inside a neighborhood bagel shop

✳ WELCOME TO THE SWAMP'S FINEST DELI

HE JUST
WANTED
A BAGEL.

One alligator. One everything bagel.
An entirely unnecessary amount of drama.

Apparently that's too much to ask.

EST. OCT. 2026 • SOUTHPORT, NC

EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳ EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳ EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳ EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳

01 / THE INCIDENT

ALL HE WANTED
WAS BREAKFAST.

On October 29, 2026, a real alligator wandered into a bagel shop in Southport, North Carolina. It was safely removed. Nobody reported the gator placing an order.

But we know what he wanted.

ONE EVERYTHING BAGEL.
EXTRA SCHMEAR.

REAL INCIDENT. FICTIONAL ATTITUDE.WATCH THE ORIGINAL STORY ↗

Fictional surveillance-style recreation of an alligator entering a bagel shop — ARTIST'S RECREATION. NOT ORIGINAL FOOTAGE.

EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳ EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳ EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳ EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳

EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳ EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳ EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳ EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳

Fictional alligator typing a complaint at a diner booth

LIVE FROM THE COMPLAINTS DEPARTMENT

03 / CUSTOMER COMPLAINTS

CUSTOMER
SERVICE IS
A JOKE.

He's been waiting for his bagel since October.

SWAMP DELIFEEDBACK FORM / 01

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ FICTIONAL PARODY RATING

NATURE OF COMPLAINT (CHOOSE ONE):

RESPONSE FROM BAGEL:

Select a complaint. He has thoughts.

This is a fictional interaction. Nothing is posted anywhere.

EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳ EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳ EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳ EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳

04 / THE SWAMP

SWAMP
TO TABLE.

They wouldn't serve him.
So he opened his own place.

No dress code. No reservations. No refunds.
Everything bagels only.

OPEN WHEN HE FEELS LIKE IT ✳

Fictional alligator selling bagels from a rustic stand in a swamp

THE NEW LOCATION / ARTIST'S IMPRESSION

EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳ EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳ EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳ EVERYTHING BAGEL. NO QUESTIONS. ✳ EXTRA SCHMEAR ✳ THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT ✳ NO SHOES. NO SHIRT. ALL TEETH. ✳

Fictional alligator looking through the window of a bagel shop at night

05 / THE RETURN

HE'S COMING
BACK.

The swamp never forgets.
Especially breakfast.